Feeling Worthy

Many moons ago, I screwed up big time. It was a doozey. I refer to it as my "What the hell were you thinking" era. Because it was my late teens - early 20s, I also refer to it as my 1/4 life crisis. I didn't have to wait for a mid-life crisis. As a fiapoko overachiever, why not squeeze in an extra one for kicks. 

The magnitude of it all left me reeling. Naturally with my family and real friends, but mostly with me. It took a long time to make things right with God, but even longer to make things right with me. 

People would say, "Oh, you haven't repented properly". Honestly, I just wanted to knock their teeth out. Of course there are steps to repentance, but there is not a template for every single step. No check list. Nothing you can highlight to make sure you're on the right track. My belief is that it's like this because everyone's journey is unique and how you get there is as personal as understanding that Heavenly Father knows us by name, like Brother Joseph, meaning it's not just our names He knows. 

And so began my journey.

I was invited to serve in Church. In many different callings. Some just happened to be in leadership roles. I would happily pray for my family, for those who I had stewardship over and for anyone else. Just not me. I didn't think I deserved it. 

So He spoke to me in the best way for me - through others. There is this genuine love you feel for others when you serve them. You visit, teach, help, just do whatever they need and in return my experience teaches, that you find what you need. 

Full credit to Satan. He's a smart guy and this is one of the best tools in his toolbox. Making people feel unworthy, making sisters feel unworthy. He can see the domino effect. You do something wrong and it's too hard to bounce back. You do something wrong and can't face people. You do something wrong and it's easier to stay home on a Sunday. You've fallen from grace and you should just stay down. His game plan is clearly spelled out in 2 Nephi ... 'for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself'. All men, means us and our families. So why not start with the heart of the home and that's most of his work done. 

A few months ago, we had an Auxiliary Training and one lady spoke about ways to help with reverence in Primary. She came to her last point, and said something along the lines of "Just fake it".  I was at the back of the room, preparing for my presentation and looked up. She continued to talk about how she doesn't like teaching a subject at High School, but her students wouldn't know it because she went through the motions and 'faked it'. I think the hair on the back of my neck stood up for all the wrong reasons. I thought, what is she talking about! As usual, with my life lessons, the fault wasn't in the teaching here - it was in my listening. I have thought about it a lot since, and for me the lesson wasn't about being fake, it was about endurance. It was when you're exhausted, unsure, doubting: Just keep going. There's the good old 'Do it for the kids'. The kids will grow up and get on with life, and you're left to face yourself. Do it for you. 

There are moments when I fall back into "I am not worthy" mode or I forget myself. It's been nearly a year since I was called into Stake Primary. Not long after I was called, I went to see my Bishop and explained about my big doozey all those years ago. I said I remember doing what I needed to do, but I don't remember saying sorry and I needed the Lord to know, through His servant, that I really was sorry. He didn't skip a beat as he spoke about instant forgiveness and love. 

Again, I have never felt as if the Lord didn't forgive me, it was me. I recently ramped up my temple attendance. Whenever I go, I sit there and try to think about what my Dad would want me to do. When I was home last and sat at his graveside, I thought the same thing. Every single time, I can hear him clearly in my mind, 'Just shut up and get on with it.' It cracks me up every time. 

Yes, Satan has a good game plan. He really does. He will throw diversions, uncertainly our way because he lives for our misery. 

However, there is a better Plan. One that takes work and effort like most good things because it brings happiness. 

Do these feelings change? Yes. Does this one thing hang over me like a cloud raining just on me? Not anymore. Because you live, learn and love yourself. Yes, yourself. 

And so the journey continues........... and like Dad says, 'Just shut up and just get on with it.'