Squished Boobies Day

Today I was man-handled by a small indian (asian not american) lady. 

In all honesty I was expecting it, because I had booked it in. Today I had a mammogram. 

After one of my loved ones had a health scare, it was time. I was pretty apprehensive about it, but sometimes you gotta (wo)man up and do it.  

I got my referral from the doctor for QLD Radiology, but ended up walking into BreastScreen QLD. Even though someone was right there, I still had to call into make an appointment (why do places do this?). The appointment was made with a lovely lady over the phone, who - all power to her, tried valiantly to pronounce my full samoan name. Giggles. 

The instructions were: 

• no deodorant
• no body power
• no perfume
• arrive 20 minutes before your appointment. 

I spoke to a few of my buddies about it, went on Doctor Google and still didn't know how it would feel. The best description was that my puppies would be squished like a pancake. Not as thin as a crepe and not as thick as a bread roll. This made me feel a bit uneasy because as an amply blessed polynesian woman, I couldn't imagine them getting to pancake stage. I was a bit scared there would be a bit of a 'pancake battle royale'. You know - (wo)man Vs machine kind of proportions.  I wasn't looking forward to it, but compared to pushing another human out of your body, I was certain it would be okay.

It's game day. I rock up to BreastScreen QLD and get security checked by the lovely small indian lady. I get ushered into the screening room and there are a few chairs in there and she directs me to my assigned seat. The machine isn't what I expected, but I didn't know what to expect. She shows me where my boob needs to go and starts to guide me in.  

"Ok wrap your arm against the machine, elbow out."

"Look away and then look up" She shuffles around me and there are foot pedals on the floor on either side of me. When she pushes it, the pancake-maker comes down. 

"Lift your arm up a bit more". I get embarrassed, because I followed the instructions and put on no deodorant, and resist. She walks around me, pulls up my arm by the fat and I despair as she lays my arm fat on the machine too. I nearly say, 'Sorry about smelling like a Delhi train' but stop myself before my mother's wit leaves my lips. It is also something my mate JB would say - and I instantly feel ashamed. He'd love that! 

Time for the other booby. I just stand there like a puppet and she does all the work. 

"Wrap your arm against the machine. Lean your head this way. Look up. Look away." She doesn't get the angle she wants and shuffles around me again. Grabs my arm fat again and takes  care of that. 

"Don't pull out. The machine won't get the right angle"

Whoa whoa lady, I ain't pulling anything anywhere. She guides me back into the machine before I stop her. "Um, that's not part of my boob" and we both look away from my upper stomach roll that she tried to put into the machine. Awkward. 

"Ok. Now, time for a side on view" Oh joy! 

It is sore, but bearable. Not sore enough for me to want to take any kind of pain killer. The discomfort is kind of like a pap smear, but on a different level. Kind of like Cocoa, Caro & Milo. All in the same ball park, but different.

The whole thing took 10 minutes which is pretty good. My results are posted to me in 10 days but I'm feeling okay. She didn't flinch or spend too long on one focus point, which was a little reassuring. She said she would've told me if there was something she was concerned about. 

If you haven't been for a mammogram and should  - hurry up! Early detection can save lives! 

PS: It hasn't put me off pancakes either dahahaha. 

Disclaimer: If you are someone with smallish boobies, your experience may be different.